“Sexism Sells But We’re Not Buying It”

Hearing all of these opinions in one video is sickening. Head over to the Women’s Media Center to sign the petition.

Rape of women not the only sex casualty of war and disaster

Wow. The news is vibrating with reports of a Save The Children UK  report on child sexual abuse by UN Peace Keepers and other humanitarian aid workers in conflict areas around the world.

BBC reported.

MSNBC reported

Feminist Majority Foundation reported

Save The Children interviewed hundreds of children in Southern Sudan, the Ivory Coast and Haiti, and found that children are being trafficked, raped, used as prostitutes and pornography. Unsurprisingly, many don’t speak up.

Girls=Evil

How cute! All you need is some good, deductive reasoning and BAM! Insight!

The Painful Matter of Women Against Women

Recently I time traveled to a place in the past I never wanted to revisit.

Washington University, in St. Louis, awarded anti-women’s-rights activist Phyllis Schlafly an honorary degree at its May 16 Commencement ceremony, amid protests. The next day Schlafly appeared on TV to react to the protests. What a sorry blast from the past. She was in her usual form; with mirth and glee she kicks people who are already down, and she displayed her usual gloating and taunting, offensive to any viewer with even a nominal sense of decency. Indeed, age has not endowed Schlafly with any decency. She is too lacking in that attribute to be ranked among public figures deserving of respect. With her remarks about marital rape in particular (that a woman consents carte blanche to sex on demand once she marries), she spoke volumes about herself. By contrast, the feminists who fought hard to outlaw marital rape merit the status of sheroes.

Undeserving as she was of the attention she drew, Schlafly revived a matter of anguish to feminists we need urgently to address, namely, that of women who reject the idea of women’s—-their own—-equality. Seeing her sorry behavior made me ponder the painful matter of women who tolerate, even demand, women’s subjugation.

I struggle to understand women’s resistance to equality, to explain its whys and wherefores, and to discern how to overcome it. The issue is fraught with painful conflict and complexity. This isn’t about a bald-faced opportunist like Schlafy, who has profited handsomely from grinding her heel into the necks of other women. It’s about patriarchy subjecting women to powerful pressure, manipulation, and coercion through the millennia. Not surprisingly, many women give in to the pressure to sit down and be quiet. Daunting forces are at work: raw fear and a lack of informed consent. We face not only male adversaries in overcoming these forces. We must also rise to the task of instilling in all women the resolve to defy our oppressors. The latter is the greater challenge.

The task of understanding and overcoming women’s resistance to equality is fraught with pitfalls. We must resist the impulse to lash out in anger at women who reject equality. Nothing justifies patronizing, condescending, demeaning treatment; nothing justifies name-calling. We need to fix our sights on our true adversary, namely, the patriarchy that has subjugated women through time immemorial by dividing us.

Fear—-sometimes conscious and palpable, sometimes unconscious, but always justified—-keeps women subjugated. This can be fear of retaliation from powerful men, which women have good reason to fear. Men do retaliate, sometimes savagely and lethally, when women defy them. Counselors at domestic violence centers and shelters can attest to this; a woman is at her greatest risk of being murdered by her abuser once she has escaped him, gone to the authorities, and obtained a court order requiring him to end all contact with her. And scholars attribute the global rise in fundamentalism—-and its oppression—- to a resistance to “modernization,” read, advances in women’s rights. Many women fear equality for fear of incurring the wrath of male supremacists. They feel it wisest to quietly settle with what men “allow” them because they see how harshly men brutalize women in other parts of the world.

Fear in other forms can also keep women down. For example, fear of the responsibility that comes with freedom can work against women. If you’re emancipated enough to act of your own volition, to earn and manage your own finances, to have finances to manage, to make your own life’s choices, then you’re also emancipated enough to bear the responsibility for bad judgment and unwise decisions. And none of us is perfect. No one goes through life without slipping up. And we are responsible for decisions we make out of informed consent. That’s as it should be. Fearfulness isn’t a problem as long as we’ve learned to overcome our fears. But many women grow up in families and communities that instill fearfulness in girls and women instead of teaching them the skills to overcome fear, instead of building confidence in them—-instead of teaching them that life’s inevitable mistakes are opportunities for learning and growing. Such girls and women are taught to believe in their own inferiority, weakness, and lack of intelligence. Once that goal is met, patriarchy has what it wants: fearful women who are easy to control. Patriarchy spares women the responsibility that comes with freedom—-the responsibility they fear—-and those women learn to prefer that, even at the expense of their freedom. I once spoke with a woman who said of her subjugation, “I feel safe this way.”

But that feeling is illusory and it comes at a staggering price. The false sense of security grows from a lack of informed consent. Oppressors know that the crucial part of keeping a people subjugated isn’t strong shackles or bars with heavy keys; it’s control of the psyche, and once oppressors have that they can hand the keys to their captives without fear of their fleeing. Fear goes a long way in gaining the upper hand, but controlling knowledge matters more. Scholars estimate that during the slavery era in America, about 100,000 slaves tried to escape. Escape attempts were suppressed in newspapers and not widely discussed, for fear of slaves in captivity taking courage from that knowledge and trying to escape themselves. Lacking informed consent, slaves stayed put.

The status quo uses the same tactic against women. Until recent decades, the writings of women and their courageous, solitary acts of defiance were suppressed. Only recently have they begun to reach contemporary women; only now can we read first- and second-hand accounts of their valor and endurance. Consider: The Diary of Lady Murasaki, which she recorded in Japan in the late 10th Century; As I Crossed A Bridge of Dreams, attributed to Lady Sarashina of the Heian period in Japan, born in a.d. 1008; Anne Askew, burned at the stake in 1546 for daring to challenge the roles of women and the dynamics between women and men; Anna Comnena, author of Alexiad , written in the 12th Century about the reign of her father, Byzantine Emperor Alexius I; Aphra Behn, the 17th Century English poet, playwright, novelist, and political satirist; and countless women who defied convention just by writing. We take courage from the defiance of these women, from their singular acts of escape. Indeed, many women tried to escape, more than we will ever know. Contemporary women who never hear of these women do not give informed consent to their subjugation. That doesn’t make it any less painless to witness, but it explains their hostility to equality.

The distant defiance of these brave women validates the feminist movement. Under the constant threat of violence, abandonment, even death, women still fought back. The fact that a feminist movement even exists today, given the legacy of terror used to keep us down, lends the movement unquestioned higher moral ground. No one can deny us that. Incredibly, despite this we face the formidable task of winning over women. But our anger, justified as it is, should not grow from the resistance of women affected by thousands of years of powerful conditioning. It should take the form of resolve to get past patriarchy’s guard dogs, vicious as they are. And we can expect to confront them anywhere—-even, sadly, in institutions of higher learning.

The skims

I’m going to try to do this once a week on , enjoy some skimming!

• I have to admit, Jezebel’s “What Would Judge Judy Do” series has got me all in a tither and loving JJ: here’s the latest, and PLEASE be sure to check this one out!!
• Another astute look at the denial of sexism, this time in Hollywood, published in the Los Angeles Times this week.
• Women ARE bitches sometimes.
• What is “normal” sex and sexuality? The long-standing controversy in the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
• A Chinese police office officer suckles babies orphaned by the earthquake.
• An excellent article about the interdependence of civil rights and feminism, the importance of consensus and unity in this election, and some great breif history of the two movements.
• The pregnant man is going to write a book!
• Chinese magazine suspended for using bikini-girls-in-the-rubble strategy for earthquake coverage..ugh.
• Susie Bright found a great 1969 video: Turning Women’s Lib Into a Menacing Reality!
• Pets also suffer from domestic violence, and their suffering makes it harder for women to get out themselves.

A dish to pass

In the email I made sure to mention that I would be making pork tenderloin and that it was potluck style. Bring a dish to pass.

Pork is easy to work with and picks up marinade taste quickly. Whether rosemary or honey, it cooks fast and I’ve found it a welcome addition to any group-style meal.

At the time I was single, but I’m sure I made enough for 3 or 4 people. It was a BYO, so I bought a sixer too.

Summers in Northern Michigan complement dinner parties. Being at the Western end of the Eastern time zone, twilight reaches past 10pm and no matter how hot the day is, evenings bring long-sleeves. This suaré was not unlike the others. More than a few people came, there was plenty of food, a lot of great conversation and a wonderful glow of friendship that held the last 10 of us as we continued talking while picking up empties and scrubbing plates free of pesto. That is, while SOME of us cleaned up after EVERYONE had enjoyed the meal.

Some women, and maybe even a few men, already know where this is heading but I wasn’t yet aware, or, more accurately: wasn’t paying attention. And, not knowing this yet, I wanted to be appreciated for my pork and wanted to be thanked for washing Tisa’s wine glass. I was holding myself to a double standard.

Pete brought a nice bottle of wine: a domestic Zinfandel. Chris provided chips and salsa. Three guys brought nothing and I got a call from Lisa saying that she wanted to come but didn’t have time to make anything. She only brought a bottle of wine: 5-buck french; a standard that the shop always stocks. But every woman who came to the party had brought something, either a simple salad, some left over brownies (eclipsed by the fresh brownies), or an elaborate homemade bread. Four men brought something more involved than beer (two of these brought only packages fresh from the store shelf).

But the real problem, my real problem, was that I somehow thought that I deserved a pat on the back for doing what is expected from every woman. And I kept thinking I deserved this until a friend pointed it out. Not out of anger or out of bitterness, but out of a grim reservation of the way things are. She pointed out that I was good at helping out “for a dude,” but the same or higher level of help is expected, felt, and usually received from all women. I wasn’t special, I was just starting to pull my own weight.

Since then I have been aware of what shows up at potlucks and who brings a fair amount. There are men who consistently impress (with no double standard) and women who consistently do not contribute, but the trend still continues–women are expected to bring food and to help out. And instead of seeing it as a failure of our progressive culture to release women from their need to continue to “nurture” or take care of others, I see it as a wonderful value that mothers have continued to instill in their daughters: it is our responsibility to bring and share food with others and to help clean up. It is our responsibility, all of us, to share the work that goes along with the joy of being together and eating wonderful food. It’s too bad that more men were not around for this lesson.

And I have seen changes. Both since and retrospectively. Friends who couldn’t sauté a brick without burning it are now half-way competent pot-luckers and men who habitually arrived with a six-pack in one hand now hold a grocery bag in the other. There have always been the exceptions and this is just a trend, but it is strong enough to be significant and impactful enough to be worth challenging.

Still, it’s an egoic struggle. With a steady stream of dishes piling on the right side and a steady flow of water growing the clean stack on the left, it’s easy to fall back into the “ain’t I special” feeling. When a wild rice, leek, morel and sausage dish is devoured in the opening minutes of a group dinner, the first thought is to congratulate my work. And many times I do receive thanks from others. But now, with my awareness of this double standard, I need to challenge myself to first realize that I’m only doing what all men should be doing and that EVERYONE needs to be thanked for her contribution, and for his help. What’s your dish to pass?

Quick Recipe idea:

Fresh black bean corn salsa.

2 cans black beans

1/2 vadalia (or sweet) onion

1/2-1 minced jalapeño (remove the seeds). Or just a good hot sauce like Tabasco or Chalula. Wash your hands 2-3 times after handling the jalapeño. Water doesn’t work well, apply direct soap and scrub in for at least 30 seconds before rinsing. It’s worth it the next time your. . . eye . . . itches.

1 can whole kernel corn (drained and rinsed)

1 handful cilantro

Salt

1 quick pour olive oil

1/2 spoonful of cumin

Avocado if you have it

tomato of any sort (canned, diced, crushed, fresh chopped, a bit of paste, just no ketchup)

Directions: come on. cut, chop, mince till it looks right, stir and let it sit at least a half hour.

Go Ellen!

I know it’s everywhere, but just wanted to make sure you see it!!

John McCain and Ellen DeGeneres talk about same-sex marriage.

Pathetic commercial

This says so much all by itself. But in case you didn’t catch the message: This couple is supposed to be so representative of the U.S. population that it gets you to emotionally relate and therefore want to buy its product.

That means that most of us are in severely insecure relationships, because the women aren’t hot enough, and men watch so much porn that they deserve rewards when they manage not to inappropriately stare at women they don’t know..undressing them with their eyes or something..?

Pathetic.

Court says Texas should not have taken the YZR kids

38 mothers from the Yearning For Zion Ranch win in Texas.

Here’s my question though–What about the men? Fine, the women won, they get their kids back, but what happens now? Since we don’t hear any news about the men from this compound, I can’t help but make some educated guesses about the black holes in this story

Assuming that every man who is a part of this compound ranch has underage wives, they should NOT get custody of their children back. And that means that either the men or the women/children can’t live at the ranch anymore. and assuming that, what happens next?

Or are my assumptions wrong, and the lack of coverage/action/prosecution are signs that this whole thing is going to blink out while the nation forgets about this horrible situation, and life on the ranch goes back to “normal”?

Success for gay Airforce officer

Success in a federal appeals court today as Airforce Maj. Margaret Witt was given permission to continue her lawsuit against the military for discharging her, after 20 years of service, for having a relationship with another woman.